Penazzling: the art of making your doo-daa pretty…

penazzling man tors

About a year ago I did a blog on Vajazzing- the art of making your hoo-haa pretty. Who would have thought that it would be consistently the most viewed post on my entire blog?

The Vajazzling post has received six times the views of its closest competitor, I Need it Hot and Sweaty Every week, without fail, it is the top performer.

Seeing as writing about genitals gets me far more views than anything else I’ve written, it’s time to explore the genital factor a little more.

So, to continue in the series of making or genitals more attractive, I thought it was about time to do a blog on the boy version – Penazzling.

penazzling man tors

Warning – This post contains censored photos of Penazzling –  a decorated penis.  If you are under the age of 18 or are offended by penises, please don’t continue reading…

Just like a lady getting a Brazillian waxing to kick off the beautification process – something that requires a higher tolerance to pain than child birth (and at least the doctors give you loads of drugs for birthing), the men too must undergo a complete waxing.

But it’s not called a Brazillian for men.  It’s called a BOYZILLIAN.

Here is the G-rated version of what’s involved in a Boyzillian.

penazzling - boyz

Just in case you didn’t quite get it from the above pictures, Boyzillians.com has described the process as a waxing of the Bikini line (although it should state ‘Mankini’), shaft, perineum, scrotum, groin, crack and buttocks.

Are you farking kidding me? My husband just about vomits and passes out when one our boys hits him in the nuts, so what kind of emergency medical aid has to be administered to the men who undertake the Boyzillian?

Are they just handed their broken and swollen testicles back when they leave the salon? Perhaps contained in a human organ esky so they can go to the local hospital and have them reattached?

The advantages of ripping your pubic hairs out by the root include:

  • A neater, cleaner undercarriage,
  • Making your penis look larger by clearing away the undergrowth (yeah, let’s go with that),
  • Is more attractive to women (yeah, if you say so)…

If that isn’t enough for you, your bald as a badger balls and penis can now be decorated.

You could go for the Disco look of 1978…

penazzling richard simmons

Thanks to Richard Simmons for acting as a censor. The sacrifice of throwing yourself in the way of a bejewelled penis for the sake of decorum is duly noted and appreciated.

 

Thanks Bare Beauty for this pic

 penazzling footprints

 

I’d have to wonder what kind of creature is living in this man’s groin if it leaves luminous green footprints in its wake…

The Italian Stallion…

 penazzling david

 

 

 

The one hung low, two hung high look…

 penazzling discoball

 

Of course, if Penazzling isn’t enough for you,  if you’re a little jaded with the skin tone of your dude, or discolouration / pigmentation  has got you down, then perhaps penis and scrotum bleaching  is for you.

Just as some women bleach the skin of their girly bits to keep them pink and fresh, men can also keep their bits…pink and fresh… Not only can you bleach them, but you can also dye them a particular hue.

If applying corrosive chemicals to your genitals doesn’t phase you- because remember, that’s what bleach is- then you may also want to dye your pubes. A nice iridescent pink or green- nature’s own colours- may be just what you’re after.

featureditem_whichbetty

 

We could go on to discuss piercings, but….I really don’t want to.

So, thanks boys for caring enough about the ascetics of your nethers to put yourself though all kinds of penal torture.

Choose Your Cast: Erotic Romance novelist, Cate Ellink…

DeepDiving_Final_small

Hello Cate, and thanks for participating in Sarah Belle’s ‘Choose your Cast’ blog bit! Your new release, ‘Deep Diving’ sounds very sexy!

Hi Sarah, thanks for having me visit!

Book Title: Deep Diving

Can you give us the blurb, please?

Two competitive athletes and a sex-filled holiday fling. No strings, right?

Samantha Caine, newly-retired Olympic triathlete, meets Cooper Sterling, high-profile rugby league player, on tropical paradise, Lord Howe Island when they’re paired as dive buddies.

Soon they become more than undersea partners and things get seriously sexy, but Sam’s disinclined to be another football groupie, and for Cooper it’s about more than good looks.

Is a holiday fling the finish line or can Sam and Cooper turn friendly competition into more than sizzling sex?

DeepDiving_Final_small

 

Character 1 – Name: Cooper Sterling

Tell us about this character: He’s the most incredible hero I’ve ever written. He’s fit, sexy, fun, a great sport, brilliant in bed, awesome to perv at. There’s nothing wrong with him at all.

Who would you choose to play this character? Not an actor, this character was inspired by an NRL footy player, Cooper Cronk.

I usually invent my characters from scratch but with this one, I was sitting at the footy watching him play and this story crept into my mind. Lots of people scour the internet for a photo of their hero/heroine before they start but that’s not for me! I’m never ever doing this again because I can’t separate him from the character now. I watch him play footy and I see him in my story, exactly as amazing as I made him to be! It’s not a good thing. From now on, it’s all my imagination, no dreaming of stories while looking at people!

Looking at this photo, Cate, I can see why he is drool worthy! I’m a bit of a fan of biceps- well chosen!

surfphoto

 

Character 2 – Name: Samantha Caine

Tell us about this character: Sam’s an ex-triathlete, so she competes hard. Cooper gets away with nothing while Sam’s around. He might win, but she pushes him hard. She’s confident, attractive, and a few years older than Cooper.

Who would you choose to play this character and why? In my head I had someone who was a mix of Emma Snowsill (the triathlete) and Sally Fitzgibbons (the surfer). Really fit, great smile, blonde-brown hair, confident.

Snowsill

 

There are a few other characters but Cooper and Sam are the story and the only ones who I gave an image to in my mind. I’d be a useless casting director for a film!!

Looks to me like you’ve chosen very well! Thanks for coming on today, Cate. I will have fun visualising those biceps while reading ‘Deep Diving’!

About Cate:

Cate Ellink became intrigued by the erotic when her grandfather used to pass books to her father saying, “Don’t let the girls read page X.” Although her mother and sisters never bothered to chase those pages, Cate always did. Invariably, her imagination was better than what she read. While pursuing a career in science, Cate amused herself by writing about ordinary events and giving them an erotic twist. It’s taken more than a few years to bravely expose her mind to the public. While the events in her stories may have occurred, it’s highly likely that her imagination is far more exciting than the reality. Cate lives near the beach in NSW with her long-suffering husband.

Buy link:

FB link: Facebook person

Facebook author page

Twitter

Website/Blog link

Naughty Ninjas

 

Blog tour – With a hip hop hippie to the hip hop…

With A Hip Hop Hippie To The Hip Hop

I have been tagged by a wonderful writer and person, Maggie Christensen in an Author Blog Hop.

Follow Maggie on Twitter, or visit her website.

So here are the questions Maggie sent through to me and my answers:

What are you working on now?

I am currently promoting my most recent novel, Miss Spelled, which was released by Escape Publishing on Sept 1st. Other than that I am plotting the next book in the Hindsight series. It’s set in the 1980’s and is shaping up to be loads of fun. Who doesn’t like blue eye shadow, lycra, shoulder pads and tons of hairspray, right?

9780857991836

Give the beginning on your WIP as an excerpt?

1988 

It takes a long time to get into my exercise outfit. My neon pink lycra leggings are fighting my thighs this morning, but it’s a battle that has to be won. Otherwise, it will make the crotch of my electric blue leotard sag down between my knees. Saggy crotch is horrid, not only because it will make me walk like Humphrey B Bear, but the high impact aerobic class I am about to participate in contains countless high leg kicks which are difficult enough with a regular crotch, let alone a low flying one. 

‘Urrrrgghhhhh,’ I growl, tugging the leggings into place.  

‘That’s probably a sign you shouldn’t have eaten that cream bun yesterday,’ says Mandy, my best friend. ‘The Lycra doesn’t lie.’ 

She looks gorgeous, as usual, in her white body stocking with matching wrist bands and contrasting black waist belt. She’s so modern.  

‘It was only a small cream bun, and I drank a diet Coke with it, so that takes away some of the calories and most of the fat,’ I say. I am a firm believer in the ability of diet soft drink to negate any or all of the calorific and fat content in any food. 

Mandy gives me the raised eyebrow, although with her Brooke Sheild’s eyebrows she’s probably giving her facial muscles a work out under all that weight. 

‘Besides, Lycra has a mind of its own; a stubborn, evil mind that results in a greater work out putting the bloody leggings on than actually hitting the gym,’ I say. 

I slide my hot pink headband on and walk to the aerobics class, thinking of Richie. He’s the only reason I throw myself around an aerobics room, risking life and limb in a high impact exercise frenzy. Being the fiancée of a rock star on the verge of a career break through requires me to be slim, perky and hot at all times. I can’t let my punishing workout regime drop just because I am exhausted, malnourished and loathe exercise. 

 

How is your work different from others?

I write ‘Magic Realism Romance’ or ‘Romagic Comedy’. Basically it’s romantic comedy with a dash of something magical. It’s set in the real world but allows extraordinary things to happen to ordinary people. Think of ‘Drop Dead Diva’ or ‘Suddenly 30’ and you’ll get the picture.

Romagic Comedy is quite a niche category and there’s not a huge amount of it out there, so being accepted for publication was a battle, but thankfully Escape Publishing have their own ‘Magic Realism’ sub-genre for writers who, like me, add a little of the unknown into their stories!

And now I’m tagging Elsa Winkler, author of Love, in Writing and Touched to the Heart. You’ll find Elsa’s blog on Monday September 15th, 2014  here:  insert link to next blog – don’t forget to pop in and say hi and see which author she’s tagged.

Then you need to find one person who would like to continue the hop. They will be required to post their blog on the Monday after yours. However you will need them to send you:

Author Bio

I have been reading love stories for as long as I can remember and when I ‘met’ the classic authors like Jane Austen, Elizabeth Gaskell, Henry James, The Brontë sisters, etc. during my Honours studies, I was hooked for life. To try and write a love story was a natural next step and so far nine of my stories have been published in Afrikaans. This will be my first English romance. I married my college boyfriend and soul mate and after 38 years, 3 beautiful children and two grandchildren, he still makes me weak in the knees. We are fortunate to live in the picturesque little seaside village of Betty’s Bay, South Africa with the ocean a block away and a beautiful mountain right behind us. And although life so far has not always been an easy ride, it has always been an exciting and interesting one! I like the heroines in my stories to be beautiful, feisty, independent and headstrong. And the heroes must be strong but possess a generous amount of sensitivity. They are of course, also gorgeous! My stories typically incorporate the family background of the characters to better understand where they come from and who they are when we meet them in the story

Link to Elsa’s blog.

Elsa book Elsa

 

You’re invited to a Magical Triple Book Launch- prizes to be won, virtual champagne to be sipped, calorie free chocolate to be eaten!

Lou bought a spell

3 Escape Publishing authors of Magic Realism (stories set in the real world but with a touch of magic) celebrate their new releases with a fun event full of prizes, chatting, photos, trivia, and sneak peeks. 

We will be giving away some great prizes at the online book launch, including ebooks, Amazon gift cards, movie gift card, writers critiques, and even your name in a book! If you have friends who would like to win prizes and join us for all the fun, please send them an invite to this event  at Magical Triple Book Launch!

Starting at 7.30pm tonight, (Australian Eastern Standard Time) and continuing until 7.30pm on Tuesday Sept 2! There will be loads of giveaways and prizes to be had, so come along and celebrate with myself, Juliet Madison and Jacquie Underdown.

MISS SPELLED

9780857991836

Magic Realism mixes with romantic comedy in this new novel from Sarah Belle about the dangers of internet shopping – and using magic to solve real world problems.  

Lou’s life is perfect. She loves her job, her renovated house, and most of all, her gorgeous fiancé, Aidan. But when her old flame and Aidan’s school yard nemesis turn out to be the same person, Hunter Wincott, Lou’s life is blown apart. She must divulge her secret past, or have Hunter give it away. Either way, she runs the real risk of losing Aidan.  

In desperation, she turns to Google. A quick search turns up Majique, the Internet Witch, and a spell that will delete herself from Hunter’s memory. But something goes wrong in the casting process, and Lou deletes much much more than just a memory. She deletes herself from her life completely.  

Luckily, there’s a one-week window for Lou to get back to the life she loved. One week to win back Aidan, before he walks down the aisle with the wrong woman,  and damns everyone to a lifetime of misery. It would be easy, if only Aidan had any idea who Lou actually is. 

 

HAUNTED EVER AFTER

haunted

Mixing romance, humour and a sparkle of magic, Juliet Madison is back with a new full-length novel about a bride-to-be, a mystery and the stripper next door.

When bride-to-be Sally Marsh attends a weekend away with her bridesmaids, the last thing she expects is an uninvited guest: the ghost of her fiancé’s ex-girlfriend.

Red is quirky, loud and distracting, and Sally is soon desperate to find the reason behind her presence, so she can rid herself of her embarrassing shadow before the wedding day. Unfortunately, the ghost is reluctant to share the reason for her existence, but very enthusiastic about Ty, the surprise hen’s night stripper who keeps showing up at awkward moments.

Time is running out for Sally, but it’s also running out for Red. By the time all is revealed, Sally will be tested to the limits, and go above and beyond everything she’s ever believed in order to ensure not only her own happy-ever-after – but Red’s as well.

 

BEYOND COINCIDENCE

Beyond_Final-1 (2)

Mixing romance, history, and a touch of the unexplained in a new novel from Jacquie Underdown about love that needs to cross oceans and time before finding a place to come true.

In 2008, 250 Australian and British soldiers are uncovered in a mass grave in Fromelles, France, lost since the Great War. One soldier, bearing wounds of war so deep it scarred his soul, cannot be laid to rest just yet.

When Lucy bumps into the achingly sad soldier during a trip to France, she doesn’t, at first glance, realise what he is – a ghost who desperately needs her help. Lucy can’t turn away from someone who needs her, even someone non-corporeal, and they travel back together to Australia in search of answers and, hopefully, some peace.

This chance meeting and unexplainable relationship sets into motion a chain-reaction of delicate coincidences that affect the intertwined lives of family, friends, and lovers in unexpected, beautiful ways.

We look forward to seeing you there!

Second sneaky peek excerpt from ‘Miss Spelled’…

9780857991836

In celebration of the pending release of my new novel, ‘Miss Spelled’ on September 1st, here is a second sneaky peek excerpt…

In this scene the lead character, Lou Mercer, has orchestrated a ‘chance’ meeting with her bad-ass but irresistible ex, Hunter Wincott. Her goal is to persuade him not to divulge their past relationship to her fiancée, Aiden- Hunter’s school yard nemesis. Good luck with that one, Lou!

9780857991836

 

 Hunter is at the concierge desk and my tummy does flip-flops as I make my way over to him attempting to look nonchalant on the way, but most likely doing a bad impression of it. The sound of my sprinting heart beat rises above the hub-bub of people in the foyer.

“Yes sir, Mr Wincott, I will organise that right away,” the concierge says as I draw nearer.

His aftershave, a spicy blend with sandalwood undertones, takes me back to our time together, when he was every naive girl’s dream of the ultimate boyfriend—passionate, charming, lethal in bed and very opinionated but in a sexy kind of way. His star was on the rise when we met, after he had attended Oxford.

My stomach lurches upwards and I stop, suddenly overtaken by dizziness and confusion. What the hell am I doing? This is a ridiculous idea. Hunter probably wouldn’t even remember me. There were so many women during our time together, I can only imagine how many have followed. It’s absurd to think he will help me now.

“Yes sir, I will have that waiting for you tomorrow morning on your way out,” says the concierge.

“Good, and make sure it’s the top of the range, will you?” he says.

  Only the best for Hunter Wincott. Just like old times.

My nerves get the better of me and I turn to walk away. This was a stupid idea. Aiden needs to know the truth, no matter the cost. Honesty has to be the best way to go.

My mobile launches out of my sweaty hand and drops to the floor. None of my fingers seem to be working, my nerves are shot and eyes blurry with tears as I bend down to pick it up.

“Lou?”

The voice is unmistakeable, although the north London accent has thickened since our last conversation eleven years ago.

“Lou, is that you?” he asks again.

I look at the expensive men’s shoes in front of me, all the way up the exquisite woollen suit, to the incredibly handsome face at the top. Those sapphire eyes, thick black glossy lashes and slightly olive complexion. He’s still a sexpot.

Oh shit!

He crouches down on his haunches and places one strong, warm hand on my elbow. A shiver flashes through my body as though he is a live charge plugged into me. With the other hand he picks up the phone.

“Is this yours?” He smiles the same smile that seduced me all those years ago. The same smile that probably seduces countless other women as well. When you’re onto a good thing…

“Ah, um…yes. Thank you, Hunter,” I stammer. “What a coincidence!” My smile feels lopsided and a manufactured giggle catches in my throat.

 He helps me back up to a standing position and leaves his hand on my elbow, his current  still passing through my body.

 A huge void has developed between my brain and mouth. All I can do is stare and feel myself overheat, almost forgetting the reason for my journey here.

 His eyes run all over my body as he puts the other hand on my arm and looks at me as though my body is a fine piece of artwork he is thinking of acquiring, just trying to figure out which room it would look best in. He always said I was perfect in every room of his flat. As was he—except for the cheating thing, that is—but it’s easy to forget betrayal in the presence of this man.

“Lou,” he says in the deep voice that is an aphrodisiac in itself. “You look good enough to eat…slowly.”

Yep, he still has the touch. All the moisture in my mouth evaporates and reappears under my armpits.

Hunter takes a step closer and I feel my body being enveloped in his strong, thick arms, the kind of arms that appear on the cover of romance novels. As tall as Aiden, but broader and stronger in frame, like a rugby player. I can feel every contour of his athletic body beneath his shirt. Momentarily, it’s not possible to remember my own name. It’s as though it was yesterday we were together.

He takes a small step backwards, enough so that we are no longer embracing but still in each other’s personal space.

“I can’t tell you how often I’ve thought of you over the years. How are you?” he says.

I clear my throat and tell my heart to slow down, and my loins to stop quivering.

“I’m good, great in fact. Thanks. And you?”

“Life has treated me very well. What a coincidence to meet you here. Do you have time for a drink, dinner perhaps?”

I check my watch to make it look as though I have something planned. It’s past nine o’clock.

“A very late dinner?” Hunter asks and then gives me the smile that no sane woman can resist.

Trying to remain focused on my mission is so hard with this perfect specimen of manhood standing so close. There’s something about him, a quality that is consuming. It becomes crystal clear to me how fell for him in London, and then forgiven him for his regular betrayals.

“I…uh…”

“Just you and me. I’ll organise it.” He waves over the concierge, who scurries towards us. “A table set up in my suite, fresh seafood for two. Make sure there’s an icy bottle of Krug Vintage waiting. An eighty-eight if you have it.”

“Yes sir, very good.”

Hunter turns back to me and smiles. Should I run out the foyer and flee for my life, or stay and run the risk of being charmed to death, especially in his room of all places. He was like a magician when it came to bedrooms. One wave of his warm hand and my panties used to disappear.

“What about the restaurant?” I say. “Can’t we eat there?”

“Are you afraid you won’t be able to resist me, Lou?” he smiles.

 

It’s only 6 days to go until ‘Miss Spelled’ is released! Whoo-hoo! And to celebrate, Amazon US, Amazon Aus and ITunes have reduced the pre-order price to only 99c!

The pre order links are below:

Itunes 

Amazon US

Amazon Aus   

Magic Realism mixes with romantic comedy in this new novel from Sarah Belle about the dangers of internet shopping – and using magic to solve real world problems.  

Lou’s life is perfect. She loves her job, her renovated house, and most of all, her gorgeous fiancé, Aidan. But when her old flame and Aidan’s school yard nemesis turn out to be the same person, Hunter Wincott, Lou’s life is blown apart. She must divulge her secret past, or have Hunter give it away. Either way, she runs the real risk of losing Aidan.  

In desperation, she turns to Google. A quick search turns up Majique, the Internet Witch, and a spell that will delete herself from Hunter’s memory. But something goes wrong in the casting process, and Lou deletes much much more than just a memory. She deletes herself from her life completely.  

Luckily, there’s a one-week window for Lou to get back to the life she loved. One week to win back Aidan, before he walks down the aisle with the wrong woman,  and damns everyone to a lifetime of misery. It would be easy, if only Aidan had any idea who Lou actually is.

The Art of the Selfie…

view roor

As many will know the Romance Writers of Australia hosted their annual conference in Sydney recently. It was amazeballs, so wonderful to catch up with friends and meet FB friends face to face for the first time. It’s a highlight to attend the workshops and learn from talented authors and editors, but the social activities are also pretty cool. Especially considering that a 6.30pm time slot for my kid’s parent teacher interviews now constitutes a ‘night out’ for me.

For the last two years I have roomed with my buddy, the gorgeous and supremely talented Dana Mitchell. Last year we took a selfie at the Gala Awards dinner. It was a bit dark in there, but let’s just call it ‘atmospheric’. The kind of lighting that flatters everyone.

Roomies

So this year, we decide to take a selfie in our room.  Firstly, let me show you the view from our room.

view roor

This is not our original room. This is the room we were upgraded to upon check in. Yep, we went from the Ibis to the Pullman, with a complimentary drink from the bar while they transported our luggage over. There was no way in hell we were going to inquire as to why, just in case they realised that they had made an error and we were, in fact, not upgraded.

Thank you Ibis and Pullman. Accor, you rock.

Okay, night two of our stay. All dressed up ready for our publisher dinners. Let’s take that selfie.

What a good idea! Two Generation X mums attempting to record a moment for posterity. It can’t be that hard, surely?

dark selfie 3

Oh, you know, that’s a little dark. I don’t think the flash went off. Let’s try it again…

20140807_181650

Hmmmm, I still didn’t see the flash go off. It should have just about blinded us, shouldn’t it?

A moment’s thought about flashes and selfies…

Maybe the flash doesn’t go off when you do a selfie, because, you know, the camera thingy is facing the opposite way.

The penny drops.

Oh! Of course! The flash faces the other way, it will still go off but will light the other side of the room, not us. That’s why we can’t see it.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I know, let’s turn the camera around and estimate where we are in the frame so that the flash will illuminate us instead.

What a great idea. My god, we are sooooo clever.

20140807_181856

Awww, shit! That didn’t work either.

Break into hysterical giggles because we just took a selfie of a lamp shade.

Here, let me try something….

dark selfie 4

Awww, shit! I just took a photo of myself. Fark!

Break into more hysterical giggles.

I should stress, at this point that neither Dana or myself had been drinking anything other than tap water. We can’t even blame our gumbiness on alcohol.

I know, let’s just move into a lit area of the room.

Yeah, that sounds great. Good thinking.

roomies 2 2014

Oh, thank god for that! This selfie stuff is exhausting.

Break into further hysterical giggles.

Night four- Gala Awards Dinner night. The night were romance writers let their hair down. Time for another selfie in our gladrags.

Shit, how did we do this again?

Let’s stand in the same spot as last time and hope for the best.

roomies 2014

Yay! It worked. We’ve so got this down pat, now. Let’s try one from near the curtains. It’s a nicer backdrop.

Okay.

001 (2)

Awww, shit! What happened there?

Stupid camera.

First sneaky peek reveal of my new novel ‘Miss Spelled’…

9780857991836

To celebrate the pending release of my new novel, Miss Spelled due out on September 1st  via Escape Publishing, I thought it would be fun to have a cover reveal as well as the first sneaky peak excerpt!

To begin with here’s the blurb…

Magic Realism mixes with romantic comedy in this new novel from Sarah Belle about the dangers of internet shopping – and using magic to solve real world problems.  

Lou’s life is perfect. She loves her job, her renovated house, and most of all, her gorgeous fiancé, Aidan. But when her old flame and Aidan’s school yard nemesis turn out to be the same person, Hunter Wincott, Lou’s life is blown apart. She must divulge her secret past, or have Hunter give it away. Either way, she runs the real risk of losing Aidan.

In desperation, she turns to Google. A quick search turns up Majique, the Internet Witch, and a spell that will delete herself from Hunter’s memory. But something goes wrong in the casting process, and Lou deletes much much more than just a memory. She deletes herself from her life completely.

Luckily, there’s a one-week window for Lou to get back to the life she loved. One week to win back Aidan, before he walks down the aisle with the wrong woman,  and damns everyone to a lifetime of misery. It would be easy, if only Aidan had any idea who Lou actually is.

 

And the cover- thanks to the wonderful team at Escape Publishing!

9780857991836

 

And now for  the very first, sneaky peaky excerpt. This is the beginning of the Miss Spelled

There’s a new number one on my ‘List of Dumb’. The list  is not just run of the mill dumb things, like walking into a glass door because a nice set of biceps has caught my attention, or trying to open the garage door with a tampon packet instead of a remote. No. The list and the  new number one is something so incredibly dumb, that I should be taken out of the gene pool so as not to pass my genes onto my offspring. Here’s the Lou Mercer top three list of dumb things so far:

Number 3: inadvertently forcing a confession of adultery from a student’s Dad, in a supermarket, after telling him that he was the father of one of my kids (my school kids — as a grade two teacher I call the entire class ‘my kids’).

Number 2: contracting vaginal pneumonia after using an old tissue from my handbag when the loo paper ran out in a deserted public toilet.

And new at the top of the list is buying a magic spell off the internet in order to erase the memory of me from the mind of my long ago ex-boyfriend.

Number three would have been easy to laugh off, albeit uncomfortably, had the man’s wife not been standing next to him when he made the confession. Clearly the guilt of his infidelity was killing him, but apparently they have worked through their marital issues with the help of her new credit card and diamond bracelet.

Number two was quickly fixed with a short course of antibiotics, after medical students were brought in to discuss, in detail, just how a woman might catch pneumonia of the vagina. Never one for the centre of attention, I prayed to the Universe to take me away when one of the interns queried if my vagina would be kind enough to cough for him.

And number one? Well, it didn’t quite work out as planned. Like most things that appear brilliant in theory but are failures of cosmic proportions in practice, the impact of this is still unknown. It’s probably better to start at the beginning…

???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

 

Miss Spelled  is a Magical Realism Romance – which means that the story takes place in the real world, but uses elements of magic to enhance the storyline, just like my first novel, Hindsight.

Miss Spelled is available for pre-order from the following E-tailers:

Amazon Australia

 Amazon US

iTunes 

 Amazon UK

Escape logo