You know you’re getting older when:
- The teenage sales assistants in some clothing stores don’t even ask if you need help, because you are clearly too old to be seriously considering adding cut off denim shorts to your wardrobe. (I own G-strings that cover more bum cheek than those shorts). Or they come up and ask you if you are lost – ‘Suzanne Gray is two doors down if you’re looking for it. This is a shop for…like…young people?’ she says as she blinks eyes so heavily mascarad that it looks as though she is wearing tarantulas on her eyes instead of lash extensions.
- All the text messages you send are grammatically correct.
- The top you are thinking about buying is actually a dress. I bought one of these a few years ago and wore it out to dinner because Jason was enamoured with the thought of his wife looking like a buttless JLo. I have to admit that it was the most uncomfortable night of my life. I wandered around the buffet shifting the hem further down my thigh, to the point that I didn’t want to get out of my chair. It was the only time I have left a seafood buffet hungry. I now wear it, in it’s intended state for those over eighteen, as a top.
- The greys in your hair are impervious to bleach – I now understand why my aunty dyed her hair jet black in the 70’s and 80’s.
- Your bum crack doesn’t poke out the top of your jeans and your bum cheeks remain hidden underneath your mini skirt.
- You don’t understand the fashion statement of wearing a mini skirt and Ugg boots at the same time. Make up your mind – are you hot or cold?
- You become invisible to the opposite sex. Handsome young men in their 20’s no longer look at you. You can’t even turn the head of a 30-something. The 40 and 50-somethings are too busy perving at perky twenty year olds . If I am lucky, a nice pensioner might buy me a coffee with his Seniors discount card.
- The fewer Facebook friends you have, the older you are.
- The music in the car next to yours is so loud it’s giving you a heart arrhythmia.
- The music in the car next to you is so awful that you find yourself saying those immortal words, “what is that noise? That’s not music!”
- You start a sentence with, “you know, when I was a kid…” .
- Your six year old can program the DVD recorder quicker than you can.
- Your ten year old can fix your internet connection problem quicker than you can.
- You don’t know the difference between an Emo and a Goth.
- Eight hours of uninterrupted sleep each night is not possible. The need to pee is greater than the former elastic glory of your bladder.
- The word ‘like’ is used as an adjective, adverb or conjunction; not in place of a comma: “She said that, like, he was really, like, into her, but she just, like, wasn’t ready for, like a proper relationship. Like, you know?” (Sorry – I still used commas – old habits…)
- You hate emoticons.
- Your kids look at you, dumbfounded, when you tell them that:
a) Music used to come on a flat black piece of vinyl,
b) You used to have to leave the couch to change the channel on the television, and then fiddle around with the rabbit ear antennas to get good reception. Being the youngest it occasionally fell to me to stand there for an entire show and hold the antenna so that the rest of the family could enjoy the clear picture.
c) Telephones used to be stuck to a wall via a long, curly cord, and only had one ring tone, and,
d) There was no internet, IPod touches, or any hand held electronic game-thingy, and the only people who used a computer were NASA and the telephone company.
But for all the confusion that comes along with growing older, I am so glad that I grew up during the 1970’s and 80’s. It wasn’t a perfect time, but as far as innocence and the pure joy of being young, it was a pretty bloody close.