‘Summer Daze’: FREE Chick Lit anthology!

‘Seasoned With Romance’ is a group of Aussie Chick Lit authors comprising:

Georgina Penney, moi, Carla Caruso, Laura Greaves, Belinda Williams, Samantha Stacey Bond and Vanessa Stubbs, and we’ve released another FREE Chick Lit anthology!Summer Daze cover [82841]

Summer… when hot days, steamy nights, surf, sand and sizzle make that first flush of new love feel dreamlike.

Book Boyfriend by Carla Caruso
Forget ‘opposites attract’ – book-loving Laila Laughton is done with guys who are nothing like her. So when she comes across the library receipt of a gorgeous bookworm who seems like her perfect match, she’s determined to track him down.

That Voodoo That You Do by Sarah Belle
Lila is sick of waiting for the criminally sexy Ben to ask her out, so she’s taking matters into her own hands. But when her attempts to harness the power of voodoo go awry, has she lost him forever?

Awkward Chocolates by Georgina Penney
Tom has been out of the dating game for a long time. A very long time. When his internet date makes a sexy request, can he rise to the challenge – or is it just too awkward for words?

Sunny, With A Chance by Laura Greaves
Brydie is moving on from a bad breakup with her adorable dog, Sunny, in their cute country cottage. City boy Leo doesn’t have time for a girlfriend, especially not a hippy artist with a ton of baggage. But Sunny may have other ideas…

Lily and Viv by Vanessa Stubbs
Teddy has been an outsider as long as he can remember. With high school finally behind him, does he have the courage to be true to himself with his dream girl by his side – or will school’s seductive Queen Bee lure him away?

Killer Heels by Samantha Bond
Tough Private Investigator Scully has landed the case of a lifetime: probing the disappearance of a celebrity lifestyle guru. She doesn’t need her gorgeous ex, police detective Logan, getting in her way – until her life is at stake.

Relax by the water’s edge and dive into this all new collection of summery short stories by six Australian chick lit authors.

Download your FREE copy here:

Amazon US 

Amazon AU

Smashwords

Itunes

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Free Chick Lit anthology to warm your winter!

‘Seasoned With Romance’ is a group of Aussie Chick Lit authors comprising:

Georgina Penney, moi, Carla Caruso, Laura Greaves, Belinda Williams, Samantha Stacey Bond and Vanessa Stubbs, and we’ve just released another FREE Chick Lit anthology!

Winter Heat cover [614266]

Six sizzling fun-size chick lit stories

Wish Upon a Star by Sarah Belle
Abby can’t wait to marry her gorgeous fiancé, Xander – until she realises they’ve never had an argument. How can she expect their marriage to weather life’s storms when their relationship has never truly been tested?

A Friend in Need by Laura Greaves
When her best friend announces that it’s not possible for people in committed relationships to have single friends of the opposite sex, Megan is determined to prove her wrong. But are her feelings for her boyfriend’s best mate, Rye, purely friendly – or is Megan playing with fire?

The Reject Club by Carla Caruso
Tired of being rejected in both her personal and professional lives, Maya has retreated to her grandmother’s seaside cottage to clear her head. The last thing she needs is a man to complicate matters – especially one as alluring as Garrett…

The Getaway by Vanessa Stubbs
When Dominique heads to the Tasmanian wilderness with husband Ricky, it’s a make-or-break weekend for their struggling marriage. Is Ricky the same man she fell in love with – or is rugged Cal what she really needs?

Bad Things Come in Threes by Belinda Williams
First her marriage collapsed. Then she lost her job. Wynter isn’t sure whether she can cope with another disaster. And when Marty enters her life, she doesn’t know whether he’s the best thing to happen to her – or the very worst.

Songbird by Samantha Bond
Washed-up pop star George would do anything for another crack at the big time, and when he discovers talented young singer Annabella he sees his chance. There’s just one problem: Annabella’s feisty mother, Catherine.

 

So, if you’re looking for some winter giggles, some warmth, some lurve you can download your free copy here:

Amazon AU

Amazon US

iTunes

Smashwords

 

 

 

 

Living with boys…

Raising four boys, I knew I had a big job ahead of me in regards to house training. But when Master 12 tried to open a can of tuna with a fork, even though it was not of the ring pull variety, it became apparent that the job in question may be bigger than I first imagined.

fork

People often ask me what it’s like to be the only female in a house of five males. My answer is that I don’t know life any other way. I grew up with three older brothers and shared a house, in my uni days, with three boys. I now have four sons. It’s my comfort zone.

However, it is my job to house train my boys so that when they leave the nest, they are able to look after themselves  and grow to be a fully functioning, efficient and effective young man who is capable of cooking more than spaghetti on toast, or living on take away.

Even though it’s gonna be a humungous job, I am committed to the cause and am tackling it one bit at a time, starting with the basics…

Hanging out washing …

Masters 12 and 10 have the Saturday job of hanging out the washing, something I thought was self explanatory, until I saw their work…

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We had a soldier’s five on how to hang washing so as to give maximum surface area exposure, which results in faster and more even drying.  I am proud to say that they now use a minimum of two pegs on all items other than socks and jocks. It made my mummy heart happy to see such improvement.

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However,  upon my next trip to the washing line, I was puzzled as to why nearly every peg was scattered on the ground instead of hanging on the line. It wasn’t until I remembered asking the boys to bring the washing inside the previous day that their method of clothes retrieval occurred to me.

pegs

This was my conversation with Master 12.

Me: When you brought the washing in yesterday, did you take the clothes off the line by pulling them by the bottom, ripping them off the line and letting the peg fly into the air and land on the ground?

M12: wide eyed stare.

Me: Okay, I take it, from your deer in the headlights reaction, that my assumption was correct?

M12: wide eyed stare, tinged with a flicker of confusion – a kind of ‘how else are you supposed to get clothes off the line’ expression.

We all moved out to the line and had another soldier’s five on clothes extraction and the replacement of pegs either onto the line or into the designated peg basket. I am thrilled to say that they are now fully versed in the art of both hanging out the washing, and bringing it back in.

The importance of a balanced diet…

My boys hate vegetables. If it’s not pasta or meat, they aren’t interested.  There have been many a tear shed at the dining table over my placement of a corn cob or a few peas on their plate. Upon suggestion from a friend, not to make a fuss out of the necessity to eat vegetables by quantifying them, I now simply put the salad in front of them and say ‘everyone must have SOME salad’.

Of course, that means that the word SOME is a moot point.

D dinner

Having had three older brothers, I am well aware of many men’s aversion to the more fibrous elements of the daily diet. My brother’s response to my mum asking him to try mushrooms was:

‘If I wanted to eat fungus, I’d lick the bathroom wall.’

You can’t fight logic like that. However, when he fell head over heels– with a vegetarian  (oh, how we loved the irony)- he soon discovered the delights of vegetables in order to impress his new love, even eating raw cauliflower in the pursuit of passion.

Another brother, also wanting to please his lady friend, ate the garnish on his plate as he wasn’t sure if it was for decoration or part of the meal. It consisted of lettuce, alfalfa sprouts and tomatoes – his sworn enemy. But he who ate the garnish, also got the girl, so his sacrifice paid off.

So, based on the historical events of their uncles’ lives, and knowledge that my own hubby’s meal time consisted of two kilos of BBQ’d chicken wings, I know that my boys will one day eat vegetables. It may be in order to impress a girl, or in the hope of having sex with her, but they will eat their vegetables eventually.

boy noise

Being surrounded by boys my entire life has enabled me to understand the way they think, why they act the way they do and, like David Attenborough, how to live with a male of the species in his own environment.  As a mum, it’s my job, and my honour, to teach them how to fend for themselves . One day they will fly away from my nest and I need to pass on the skills of domestic life on to them the same way my mum did for me.  While we’re not quite up to tackling a béchamel sauce yet, they are making wonderful progress on the domestic grounds…one little step at a time and I couldn’t be prouder!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why S#!t is my favourite profanity…

English is meant to be the hardest language in the world to master. We do battle with homophones, finite verbs, intransitive verbs, adverbial phrases and predicates daily, although most of us are unaware of their workings.

The one facet of another language we tend to master with expert efficiency is profanities.

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WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS THE WORD S#!T IN ITS UNCENSORED FORM. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 OR ARE OFFENDED BY THE WORD S#!T IN ITS UNCENSORED FORM DO NOT READ ON…

 

Personally, I love the word ‘shit’. Shisse. Skit. Skōr. Many languages have their own variation.

Why do I favour this profanity above all others?

Because it’s the most versatile profanity in the English language. No other profanity can be used in such a variety of ways and still remain relatively inoffensive:

The query of disbelief – You’re shitting me?

Exasperation of disbelief – No way! That’s bullshit, man!

The social comment – And he was acting all tough and shit…

The culinary critique:

Part 1- Dinner tasted like shit.

Part 2 – Dinner looked like shit.

Part 3- Dinner smelt like shit.

The physical observation that no one wants to hear – You look like hammered shit.

swearing 2

Thinly veiled sarcasm – No shit, Sherlock!

The confrontation part 1 – You’re full of shit, man.

The confrontation part 2 – You give me the shits.

The lesser known Myers-Briggs personality type – Shit head.

A summary of alcohol consumption – He was shit faced last night.

Religious exasperation – Holy shit!

A comment on one who moves without urgency – He moved as slow as shit.

Aussie speak for “don’t be sassin’ me” – I don’t have to take this shit from you!

The surprise of finding your conversation partner actually has a functioning brain that is capable of retaining more information than yours – ‘How do you know this shit?’

Australian comment on negative things in general – Shit house

Australian toilet part 1 – Shit house. (also called a Dunny in the outback.)

Australian toilet part 2 – Shitter.

swearing 3

USA insult to someone who lacks nerve – ‘You’re chicken shit, man!’

A term of endearment used to describe a person of meaty physical stature – Built like a brick shit house.

A metaphor for the fear one experiences when things go bump in the night – I was shitting bricks.

How not to advertise a motor vehicle for sale – The car is a shit bucket / bucket of shit.

The answer to the comment ‘you look like shit’ – I’ve had a shitty day.

bad day

A measure of another’s conceit – He thought he was hot shit.

One whose IQ is room temperature – He’s such a dip shit.

One whose IQ is below room temperature – You’ve got shit for brains.

Cinematic critique – The movie was shitful.

Irish for shit – shite.

Sudden disbelief that his wife has just found out about his mistress – Uh-oh, I’m in the shit now.

shocked

Melbournian exclamation of surprise – Holy snapping duck shit!

Measuring 10 on a scale of 1-10 of exhaustion  – I’m shitters.

A polite version of ‘F^%k You!’ –  ‘Eat shit and die.’

A thinly veiled threat of physical harm – ‘I’m going to rip your head off and shit down your neck.’

Dope head’s critique of highly potent marijuana part 1- This is some good shit, man.

Dope head’s critique of highly potent marijuana part 2- This is some bad shit, man.

A mother’s internal dialogue during the 8 weeks of summer school holidays as her children constantly fight with each other – You’re shitting me to tears.

fighting_kids_frustrated_mom-300x200

What happens after over abundance of hot curry – Shit through the eye of a needle.

Wise Australian Army proverb for being an organised person – Get your shit in one sock.

Measuring 7 on a scale of 1-10 degree of difficulty –  Push shit uphill.

Measuring 10 on a scale of 1-10 degree of difficulty –  Push shit uphill with a stick.

Failure to read map coordinates correctly, or inability to assess the initial seriousness of a situation- Up shit creek without a paddle.

A nervous petty criminal’s answer to a police officer’s query of what he knows about a big time criminal –  I don’t know shit man!

What writers get asked all the time – How do you make this shit up?

The internal monologue of a parent after unwisely poking their head in a teenager’s bedroom – It’s a shit fight in there.

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An Aussie scolding for embarrassing someone else in public – You’re such a shit stirrer.

Thank you for asking me on a date, but I am busy that night – I’d rather eat a shit sandwich.

My suburb isn’t on the ‘suburbs set to boom this year’ list –  I live in Shitsville.

When your name has been taken off someone’s Christmas register – I’m on the shit list.

It can even be pronounced in different ways:

Fear – shiiiiiiiiiitttttt

Frustration – SHIT!!!

And that my friends, is no shit!

 

Penazzling: the art of making your doo-daa pretty…

About a year ago I did a blog on Vajazzing- the art of making your hoo-haa pretty. Who would have thought that it would be consistently the most viewed post on my entire blog?

The Vajazzling post has received six times the views of its closest competitor, I Need it Hot and Sweaty Every week, without fail, it is the top performer.

Seeing as writing about genitals gets me far more views than anything else I’ve written, it’s time to explore the genital factor a little more.

So, to continue in the series of making or genitals more attractive, I thought it was about time to do a blog on the boy version – Penazzling.

penazzling man tors

Warning – This post contains censored photos of Penazzling –  a decorated penis.  If you are under the age of 18 or are offended by penises, please don’t continue reading…

Just like a lady getting a Brazillian waxing to kick off the beautification process – something that requires a higher tolerance to pain than child birth (and at least the doctors give you loads of drugs for birthing), the men too must undergo a complete waxing.

But it’s not called a Brazillian for men.  It’s called a BOYZILLIAN.

Here is the G-rated version of what’s involved in a Boyzillian.

penazzling - boyz

Just in case you didn’t quite get it from the above pictures, Boyzillians.com has described the process as a waxing of the Bikini line (although it should state ‘Mankini’), shaft, perineum, scrotum, groin, crack and buttocks.

Are you farking kidding me? My husband just about vomits and passes out when one our boys hits him in the nuts, so what kind of emergency medical aid has to be administered to the men who undertake the Boyzillian?

Are they just handed their broken and swollen testicles back when they leave the salon? Perhaps contained in a human organ esky so they can go to the local hospital and have them reattached?

The advantages of ripping your pubic hairs out by the root include:

  • A neater, cleaner undercarriage,
  • Making your penis look larger by clearing away the undergrowth (yeah, let’s go with that),
  • Is more attractive to women (yeah, if you say so)…

If that isn’t enough for you, your bald as a badger balls and penis can now be decorated.

You could go for the Disco look of 1978…

penazzling richard simmons

Thanks to Richard Simmons for acting as a censor. The sacrifice of throwing yourself in the way of a bejewelled penis for the sake of decorum is duly noted and appreciated.

 

Thanks Bare Beauty for this pic

 penazzling footprints

 

I’d have to wonder what kind of creature is living in this man’s groin if it leaves luminous green footprints in its wake…

The Italian Stallion…

 penazzling david

 

 

 

The one hung low, two hung high look…

 penazzling discoball

 

Of course, if Penazzling isn’t enough for you,  if you’re a little jaded with the skin tone of your dude, or discolouration / pigmentation  has got you down, then perhaps penis and scrotum bleaching  is for you.

Just as some women bleach the skin of their girly bits to keep them pink and fresh, men can also keep their bits…pink and fresh… Not only can you bleach them, but you can also dye them a particular hue.

If applying corrosive chemicals to your genitals doesn’t phase you- because remember, that’s what bleach is- then you may also want to dye your pubes. A nice iridescent pink or green- nature’s own colours- may be just what you’re after.

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We could go on to discuss piercings, but….I really don’t want to.

So, thanks boys for caring enough about the ascetics of your nethers to put yourself though all kinds of penal torture.

The Art of the Selfie…

As many will know the Romance Writers of Australia hosted their annual conference in Sydney recently. It was amazeballs, so wonderful to catch up with friends and meet FB friends face to face for the first time. It’s a highlight to attend the workshops and learn from talented authors and editors, but the social activities are also pretty cool. Especially considering that a 6.30pm time slot for my kid’s parent teacher interviews now constitutes a ‘night out’ for me.

For the last two years I have roomed with my buddy, the gorgeous and supremely talented Dana Mitchell. Last year we took a selfie at the Gala Awards dinner. It was a bit dark in there, but let’s just call it ‘atmospheric’. The kind of lighting that flatters everyone.

Roomies

So this year, we decide to take a selfie in our room.  Firstly, let me show you the view from our room.

view roor

This is not our original room. This is the room we were upgraded to upon check in. Yep, we went from the Ibis to the Pullman, with a complimentary drink from the bar while they transported our luggage over. There was no way in hell we were going to inquire as to why, just in case they realised that they had made an error and we were, in fact, not upgraded.

Thank you Ibis and Pullman. Accor, you rock.

Okay, night two of our stay. All dressed up ready for our publisher dinners. Let’s take that selfie.

What a good idea! Two Generation X mums attempting to record a moment for posterity. It can’t be that hard, surely?

dark selfie 3

Oh, you know, that’s a little dark. I don’t think the flash went off. Let’s try it again…

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Hmmmm, I still didn’t see the flash go off. It should have just about blinded us, shouldn’t it?

A moment’s thought about flashes and selfies…

Maybe the flash doesn’t go off when you do a selfie, because, you know, the camera thingy is facing the opposite way.

The penny drops.

Oh! Of course! The flash faces the other way, it will still go off but will light the other side of the room, not us. That’s why we can’t see it.

Yeah, that makes sense.

I know, let’s turn the camera around and estimate where we are in the frame so that the flash will illuminate us instead.

What a great idea. My god, we are sooooo clever.

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Awww, shit! That didn’t work either.

Break into hysterical giggles because we just took a selfie of a lamp shade.

Here, let me try something….

dark selfie 4

Awww, shit! I just took a photo of myself. Fark!

Break into more hysterical giggles.

I should stress, at this point that neither Dana or myself had been drinking anything other than tap water. We can’t even blame our gumbiness on alcohol.

I know, let’s just move into a lit area of the room.

Yeah, that sounds great. Good thinking.

roomies 2 2014

Oh, thank god for that! This selfie stuff is exhausting.

Break into further hysterical giggles.

Night four- Gala Awards Dinner night. The night were romance writers let their hair down. Time for another selfie in our gladrags.

Shit, how did we do this again?

Let’s stand in the same spot as last time and hope for the best.

roomies 2014

Yay! It worked. We’ve so got this down pat, now. Let’s try one from near the curtains. It’s a nicer backdrop.

Okay.

001 (2)

Awww, shit! What happened there?

Stupid camera.

How to Pleasure a Tea Drinker…

I’m a tea drinker. A well-made mug of English or Irish Breakfast Tea really floats my boat. In fact, it puts the wind in my sails and makes me launch through the stormy oceans of the day with zeal and oomph.

tea drinker

The first sip of tea is greeted with a loud, ‘Aaaahhhhhh!’ and every mouthful after that just gets better. Tea makes me smile and for the duration of that cuppa, everything is zen.

But, am I adequately catered for when it comes to hot beverage commercial consumerism?

No. I’ve been discussing this very important issue over on the Naughty Ninjas.
Read More…