English is meant to be the hardest language in the world to master. We do battle with homophones, finite verbs, intransitive verbs, adverbial phrases and predicates daily, although most of us are unaware of their workings.
The one facet of another language we tend to master with expert efficiency is profanities.
WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS THE WORD S#!T IN ITS UNCENSORED FORM. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 OR ARE OFFENDED BY THE WORD S#!T IN ITS UNCENSORED FORM DO NOT READ ON…
Personally, I love the word ‘shit’. Shisse. Skit. Skōr. Many languages have their own variation.
Why do I favour this profanity above all others?
Because it’s the most versatile profanity in the English language. No other profanity can be used in such a variety of ways and still remain relatively inoffensive:
The query of disbelief – You’re shitting me?
Exasperation of disbelief – No way! That’s bullshit, man!
The social comment – And he was acting all tough and shit…
The culinary critique:
Part 1- Dinner tasted like shit.
Part 2 – Dinner looked like shit.
Part 3- Dinner smelt like shit.
The physical observation that no one wants to hear – You look like hammered shit.
Thinly veiled sarcasm – No shit, Sherlock!
The confrontation part 1 – You’re full of shit, man.
The confrontation part 2 – You give me the shits.
The lesser known Myers-Briggs personality type – Shit head.
A summary of alcohol consumption – He was shit faced last night.
Religious exasperation – Holy shit!
A comment on one who moves without urgency – He moved as slow as shit.
Aussie speak for “don’t be sassin’ me” – I don’t have to take this shit from you!
The surprise of finding your conversation partner actually has a functioning brain that is capable of retaining more information than yours – ‘How do you know this shit?’
Australian comment on negative things in general – Shit house
Australian toilet part 1 – Shit house. (also called a Dunny in the outback.)
Australian toilet part 2 – Shitter.
USA insult to someone who lacks nerve – ‘You’re chicken shit, man!’
A term of endearment used to describe a person of meaty physical stature – Built like a brick shit house.
A metaphor for the fear one experiences when things go bump in the night – I was shitting bricks.
How not to advertise a motor vehicle for sale – The car is a shit bucket / bucket of shit.
The answer to the comment ‘you look like shit’ – I’ve had a shitty day.
A measure of another’s conceit – He thought he was hot shit.
One whose IQ is room temperature – He’s such a dip shit.
One whose IQ is below room temperature – You’ve got shit for brains.
Cinematic critique – The movie was shitful.
Irish for shit – shite.
Sudden disbelief that his wife has just found out about his mistress – Uh-oh, I’m in the shit now.
Melbournian exclamation of surprise – Holy snapping duck shit!
Measuring 10 on a scale of 1-10 of exhaustion – I’m shitters.
A polite version of ‘F^%k You!’ – ‘Eat shit and die.’
A thinly veiled threat of physical harm – ‘I’m going to rip your head off and shit down your neck.’
Dope head’s critique of highly potent marijuana part 1- This is some good shit, man.
Dope head’s critique of highly potent marijuana part 2- This is some bad shit, man.
A mother’s internal dialogue during the 8 weeks of summer school holidays as her children constantly fight with each other – You’re shitting me to tears.
What happens after over abundance of hot curry – Shit through the eye of a needle.
Wise Australian Army proverb for being an organised person – Get your shit in one sock.
Measuring 7 on a scale of 1-10 degree of difficulty – Push shit uphill.
Measuring 10 on a scale of 1-10 degree of difficulty – Push shit uphill with a stick.
Failure to read map coordinates correctly, or inability to assess the initial seriousness of a situation- Up shit creek without a paddle.
A nervous petty criminal’s answer to a police officer’s query of what he knows about a big time criminal – I don’t know shit man!
What writers get asked all the time – How do you make this shit up?
The internal monologue of a parent after unwisely poking their head in a teenager’s bedroom – It’s a shit fight in there.
An Aussie scolding for embarrassing someone else in public – You’re such a shit stirrer.
Thank you for asking me on a date, but I am busy that night – I’d rather eat a shit sandwich.
My suburb isn’t on the ‘suburbs set to boom this year’ list – I live in Shitsville.
When your name has been taken off someone’s Christmas register – I’m on the shit list.
It can even be pronounced in different ways:
Fear – shiiiiiiiiiitttttt
Frustration – SHIT!!!
And that my friends, is no shit!