Why S#!t is my favourite profanity…

English is meant to be the hardest language in the world to master. We do battle with homophones, finite verbs, intransitive verbs, adverbial phrases and predicates daily, although most of us are unaware of their workings.

The one facet of another language we tend to master with expert efficiency is profanities.

swearing_o_420417

WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS THE WORD S#!T IN ITS UNCENSORED FORM. IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18 OR ARE OFFENDED BY THE WORD S#!T IN ITS UNCENSORED FORM DO NOT READ ON…

 

Personally, I love the word ‘shit’. Shisse. Skit. Skōr. Many languages have their own variation.

Why do I favour this profanity above all others?

Because it’s the most versatile profanity in the English language. No other profanity can be used in such a variety of ways and still remain relatively inoffensive:

The query of disbelief – You’re shitting me?

Exasperation of disbelief – No way! That’s bullshit, man!

The social comment – And he was acting all tough and shit…

The culinary critique:

Part 1- Dinner tasted like shit.

Part 2 – Dinner looked like shit.

Part 3- Dinner smelt like shit.

The physical observation that no one wants to hear – You look like hammered shit.

swearing 2

Thinly veiled sarcasm – No shit, Sherlock!

The confrontation part 1 – You’re full of shit, man.

The confrontation part 2 – You give me the shits.

The lesser known Myers-Briggs personality type – Shit head.

A summary of alcohol consumption – He was shit faced last night.

Religious exasperation – Holy shit!

A comment on one who moves without urgency – He moved as slow as shit.

Aussie speak for “don’t be sassin’ me” – I don’t have to take this shit from you!

The surprise of finding your conversation partner actually has a functioning brain that is capable of retaining more information than yours – ‘How do you know this shit?’

Australian comment on negative things in general – Shit house

Australian toilet part 1 – Shit house. (also called a Dunny in the outback.)

Australian toilet part 2 – Shitter.

swearing 3

USA insult to someone who lacks nerve – ‘You’re chicken shit, man!’

A term of endearment used to describe a person of meaty physical stature – Built like a brick shit house.

A metaphor for the fear one experiences when things go bump in the night – I was shitting bricks.

How not to advertise a motor vehicle for sale – The car is a shit bucket / bucket of shit.

The answer to the comment ‘you look like shit’ – I’ve had a shitty day.

bad day

A measure of another’s conceit – He thought he was hot shit.

One whose IQ is room temperature – He’s such a dip shit.

One whose IQ is below room temperature – You’ve got shit for brains.

Cinematic critique – The movie was shitful.

Irish for shit – shite.

Sudden disbelief that his wife has just found out about his mistress – Uh-oh, I’m in the shit now.

shocked

Melbournian exclamation of surprise – Holy snapping duck shit!

Measuring 10 on a scale of 1-10 of exhaustion  – I’m shitters.

A polite version of ‘F^%k You!’ –  ‘Eat shit and die.’

A thinly veiled threat of physical harm – ‘I’m going to rip your head off and shit down your neck.’

Dope head’s critique of highly potent marijuana part 1- This is some good shit, man.

Dope head’s critique of highly potent marijuana part 2- This is some bad shit, man.

A mother’s internal dialogue during the 8 weeks of summer school holidays as her children constantly fight with each other – You’re shitting me to tears.

fighting_kids_frustrated_mom-300x200

What happens after over abundance of hot curry – Shit through the eye of a needle.

Wise Australian Army proverb for being an organised person – Get your shit in one sock.

Measuring 7 on a scale of 1-10 degree of difficulty –  Push shit uphill.

Measuring 10 on a scale of 1-10 degree of difficulty –  Push shit uphill with a stick.

Failure to read map coordinates correctly, or inability to assess the initial seriousness of a situation- Up shit creek without a paddle.

A nervous petty criminal’s answer to a police officer’s query of what he knows about a big time criminal –  I don’t know shit man!

What writers get asked all the time – How do you make this shit up?

The internal monologue of a parent after unwisely poking their head in a teenager’s bedroom – It’s a shit fight in there.

messy-bedroom-03

An Aussie scolding for embarrassing someone else in public – You’re such a shit stirrer.

Thank you for asking me on a date, but I am busy that night – I’d rather eat a shit sandwich.

My suburb isn’t on the ‘suburbs set to boom this year’ list –  I live in Shitsville.

When your name has been taken off someone’s Christmas register – I’m on the shit list.

It can even be pronounced in different ways:

Fear – shiiiiiiiiiitttttt

Frustration – SHIT!!!

And that my friends, is no shit!

 

Advertisements

The Book’d Out Australia Day Blog hop and giveaway- and the sport of ‘clacker dropping’…

To celebrate Australia Day as part of the Book’d Out Blog Hop, I thought we’d revisit the uniquely Australian sport of Clacker Dropping…

australiadaybloghop2014

Twelve years ago I was introduced to the Australian sport of Clacker Dropping. Sounds interesting, doesn’t it? Depending on which part of the world you come from, the word ‘Clacker’ will have a different meaning. For some, a Clacker is similar to a Castanet, or maybe a type of fishing lure or even a child’s toy that has two balls on opposite ends of a string that hit each other when swung correctly making a cracking sound. In Australia, a clacker is another name for a bum. A bum hole to be exact.

So, you can imagine my horror when friends of my husband (then my fiancé) suggested a game of Clacker Dropping at their backyard New Years Eve party. Mental images of me having to remove my pants in front of these people had me wanting to run out their front door and never return. What kind of people were they ? They’d come across as so conservative and polite – they didn’t even swear or blaspheme – so what the hell was going on?

aust flag

Scared for my privacy, I sat down (protecting my clacker), as they detailed the game, which was as follows:

The objective of the game is to hold a twenty cent coin in between your butt cheeks, by clenching them as hard as possible, and navigate a small obstacle course as guided by your partner. The obstacle course includes stepping and jumping over various raised objects – broom handles, toys, plants, whatever is lying around. It can be played anywhere, but backyards are best, mainly because you don’t want to play this in public.

coin

If you drop your coin at any stage prior to reaching the end of the course you have failed and it is the other team’s turn. If you make it to the end of the course, there is a bowl with a cup inside it. Hover over the bowl and release your cramping, clenched cheeks so that the coin drops. If it drops into the bowl then you will get one point. If it drops into the cup (a higher degree of difficulty) then you receive two points. The couple with the most points at the end of the game wins.

I had two problems with this game. Firstly, I wasn’t about to whip my pants, or especially my undies, off in front of anyone. Added to this was the fact that I had no desire to see anyone else’s bum either. There’s not enough alcohol in the world to induce me to do something like that. Secondly, for those who did want to play, surely it’s unhygienic to use the same twenty cent coin?

beer-glass2-300x300

I whispered to Jason, “I’m not playing a game where I have to take my pants off. Can we leave now?”

He laughed and said out loud, “Sarah is concerned. She thinks we all have to take our pants off to play.”

Everyone laughed – hysterically. It wasn’t embarrassing at all.

I sat there, waiting for the laughter to die down, and turned a deep shade of puce. It wasn’t an unreasonable assumption to make, was it? After all, a clacker is a bum hole – not just a bum. How can anyone wedge a coin in between their cheeks if they are wearing jeans? And at no time did anyone clarify that this was a game to be played with all of your clothes on.

Ten minutes later we were playing the game, fully clothed -I went and got my own twenty cent coin from my purse because I was still concerned about the hygiene thing- and was surprised to find that it was actually heaps of fun. After a couple of drinks it’s hilarious to watch people try to make it through the obstacle course and then drop the coin into the cup.

Depending on the  level of your butt strength and ability to focus intently – i.e. those of us who do Yoga or Pilates will have an advantage – these are the kinds of faces you can expect to see during a game.

clacker 1 clacker

So, this Australia Day, give the sport of Clacker Dropping a go. You’ve nothing to lose – except your inhibitions – and will spend the arvo clenching one set of cheeks holding a coin, while cramping the other cheeks with laughter.

Happy Australia Day!

As part of the blog hop I am giving away one e-copy of my novel, Hindsight, which is set in the Melbourne suburb of Clifton Hill.  It’s a chick lit/romantic comedy story with plenty of Australianisms in it! All you have to do to be the running is answer the following question in the comments section:
What is your favourite Australian sport and why?

The format will be in either ITunes or Amazon Kindle only. This competition is open world wide and will be drawn on January 28th, 2014.

To check out the other blogs on the Book’d Out Australia Day Hop, click here.

What can Frosty the Snowman teach us?

There is one song that is guaranteed to make me well up with tears and choke back a lump in my throat. It’s a tough one, because it is only ever played in open spaces like shopping centres and parties, never on the radio in the privacy of my house or car. What is it?

Celine Dion? Bette Midler?  No.

It’s  Frosty the Snowman.

frosty

Yep. Even though I live in Australia and have only ever known sweltering heat on Christmas day, and am yet to experience a white Christmas, Frosty makes me teary. Thank the Lawd for sunglasses.

Frosty, written by Walter “Jack” Rollins and Steve Nelson, has a great message in it:

He comes to life  because of the children’s innocence and their belief in the  magic of Christmas. I remember as a kid truly believing that my soft toys would one day talk to me (and that the posters on my wall could see me – which is another post all together. One of a much more creepy nature.)

 

When he does come to life he spends his time playing and roaming around the town with the children, playing chasey – which must have been a considerable effort considering that Frosty does not have legs.

 

Frosty knows that he’s only going to be around for a little while, because the sun is hot,  so he sets about having as much fun, and bringing as much joy to others as possible before he has to leave. Isn’t that cool? (no pun intended).

 

When the time comes for him to go, he asks the children not to cry because fun shouldn’t end in tears (although it always does with my kids!). The focus should be on the memories of all the fun and laughter they shared, rather than on the sadness of having to say goodbye.

Now, is it just me or is that a great metaphor for life?

This is what I take away from Frosty the Snowman:

Magic is all around us if you believe in it and allow it to happen.

xmas image

 

Make the effort to bring out your inner kid often – do you remember what it’s like to play chasey or tiggy, laugh at silly things until your tummy cramps and not take life so seriously? We don’t have to be ‘grown ups’ 24 hours a day.

 

Spend time with those you love – bring joy and happiness into each other’s life.

xmas balls

 

The ones we love won’t be with us forever, so make the most of your own time, and the time you are lucky enough to share with them.

Thanks so much for your support in 2013. Next year I will be changing the format of the blog again – it will encompass more creative short stories (getting back to my roots!), tips for writers, book and movie reviews and fewer Author Limelights.

aust xmas

Wishing everyone a peace filled Christmas and a magical New Year- may the light of happiness shine upon you and your loved ones!  xxxxxx

santa star