My day as a man…

I don’t have penis envy. I am extremely happy with my vagina. It’s served me well over the years and considering I gave natural birth to two of my four sons, it’s still in pretty good condition. Just not as pretty as it used to be, so my husband tells me. But I would like to know what it’s like to live with a penis for a day. One that is attached to me that is, not spend the day with my husband.

After giving it great thought over the last few years, ( I clearly have too much time on my hands), it’s come down to three items on my ‘gender kicker bucket list’. Yes, three. Of all the things I could do as a man for a day, only three of them really interest me.
I’m not interested in lifting heavy things because I can do that already – I have a husband to do it for me. If he’s not around then someone else would probably lend a hand. I have big boobs so getting a man to help wouldn’t be too difficult.

I don’t want to pee standing up, because I can do that too, if I really feel the need. I tried once as a child, much to the disgust of my mother, and it wasn’t that hard. My aim certainly wasn’t any worse than that of my three brothers, if anything I was more particular about the mess I left behind. Although, if you are a man the world is your toilet. There’s no waiting for the next roadside cafe that has clean loos, no lining up at music festivals until your bladder breaks and you’re afraid to laugh, or cough, or breathe.

And I don’t really want to have sex because a man does all that work and ends up huffing and puffing and lathered in sweat for a three second orgasm. Count it, one cat and dog, two cat and dog, three cat and dog . That’s it? Jesus, I’ve had sneezes that have lasted longer. Admittedly he is biologically guaranteed of having an orgasm, unlike women. If it’s up and it’s working then it’s going to come, eventually. No thanks. I like a woman’s orgasm much better – our equipment doesn’t flail and sag after an orgasm either, so the sky’s the limit.

But before we discuss my three activities, let’s set the scene first. My gender change is a complete and utter mind and body swap. I am not a woman in a man’s body because then I would still think like a woman and would still, essentially, be a woman. No, I am a man, through and through.
The first thing I would do as a man is to get a blow job. No doubt about it. I want to know what all the fuss is about, because let’s face it, men do carry on a bit when it comes to oral sex. And if I’m only going to experience a three second journey to bliss and back then someone else is going to do all the work to get me there.

Secondly, I’d like to understand the power of boobs, exposed thigh, and bum cheek. What is it about these three body parts that will reduce a man to a blathering, stammering, dribbling deer in the headlights? My hubby’s an intelligent, driven guy, but when I flash him, he turns into a village idiot. An award winning night of television for him is getting to see boobs in more than two shows. No wonder he loves each season of Underbelly.

Lastly, I would like to be able to belch, fart and adjust / scratch my nuts in public. It’s perfectly acceptable for a man to do all of these while he’s having a conversation, drinking beer, watching sports or attending to a barbeque. Compare that with a woman who does the same and suddenly she’s a feral. (We’ll compromise and let the woman scratch her hoo-ha in the absence of nuts, seeing as our nuts are actually our ovaries and scratching them in public would attract more than just a disapproving glance.)

And a man? What would he do if he could be a woman for a day? I asked my husband, who pondered this question for all of five seconds, which is about three days quicker than when he chooses a paint colour. His answer, “I’d stay at home and play with my boobs all day.” Bless his simple soul.
Would being a man for a day interest you?

Advertisements

The toddler strategy…

Toddlers are nature’s birth control. There’s no doubt about it. The terrible twos is nothing compared to the “oh my god, is that wine bottle empty already” threes. It’s a testament to parental love that most of us made it to the age of four without our parents selling us, trading us or locking us in a cupboard for eighteen months.

So, here’s an idea: instead of lecturing teenagers on the perils of unprotected sex, let’s just lob them with a toddler for a weekend. Let them experience the ultimate consequence of unprotected sex; it’s not just a myriad of sexually transmitted diseases and a wet patch they have to deal with. Try living with a bellowing, tantruming, three year old whose vocabulary consists of three words: no, mine and AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH! After that, a lifetime of herpes won’t seem so bad. (We just won’t tell them that the great parts of parenting far outweigh the bad days!)

So far this year, my three year old has accidentally head butted me and chipped three teeth, refused to comply with the ‘sitting on our bottoms on the couch’ policy as he bounces along like Captain Kangaroo, and takes an open buffet style approach to the locked pantry and fridge and then isn’t hungry for dinner. In fact, he picks his nose and eat his own boogies more frequently than he eats my cooking.

For a good six months he made his presence felt with a series of ‘surprise poohs’ left in various parts of the house and garden. There’s really nothing more confronting than finding half a turd and not having a clue where the other half is lurking. There have been surprise poohs left on the outdoor dining setting, on top of both the dog kennels, mushed into the carpet with my favourite baking spatula (RIP baking spatula, I miss you), and smeared across mirrors and walls like a mural with various household items stuck to it for texture. He’s even shat in an upturned bessa brick in the backyard.

He has increased his fine motor skills by tracing the grout between our tiles with various coloured textas, drawn on his brother’s homework and spilt so much food and drink on the couch that it resembles a ten seater petrie dish. In public as he licks shop windows and menu boards and leaves great cascades of saliva in his wake, (not often, but how many times does it have to happen to be embarassing?)

Yet despite all this we still love him. Why? Because he’s intolerably cute, that’s why. He has cheeks that flop and bounce with each step he takes, eyes like endless wells of dark chocolate, chunky thighs that would make a good meal, flat feet that splat on the ground when he walks and the most gorgeous little bum with the perfect amount of wobble. His smile is a mile wide and his eyes close so hard when he grins that it looks as though his eyeballs are being forced backwards into the cavity of his head. He laughs like a squeaky toy and still has that little child voice: soft, sweet and chirpy. He smells better than any home baking and my favourite part of the day is snuggling up with him at bed time and inhaling his delicious scent. But most of all, he’s cuddly, snugly, smiley and manages to erase my memory of all the toddler-esque things he does with four little words, ‘I wub you mum.’

A letter to my body…

Dear Body,

Today I have decided to tell you that I love you. It’s taken me a great many years to figure this out and express it. Sorry. Better late than never, I guess? It’s not about what size jeans I fit in to, or what I look like in a mini dress. It’s about loving you for everything you have done for me, and most of all, it’s about respecting you and your needs.

Thank you for carrying me from adventure to adventure when I was a little girl. So many falls, scrapes, knocks and trips, but you stayed strong. You allowed me to crawl, walk and run. To climb trees, to skip, to play chasey with my friends, to dance and squeal with delight at being able to stay up past dark and play spotlight in the trees. Because of you, I got to play and play until I was breathless and exhausted every day, then crawl into bed and recharge to do it all again the next day.

The teen years – urgh! Horrid puberty, the onset of periods, growing of breasts, explosion of pimples and regular broken hearts. But you stayed strong, despite my stupid idea to take up smoking because it would help me to control my weight and make me look cool – it didn’t of course, but I was too ignorant to understand the damage I was doing to my Bronchitis-plagued and Asthmatic lungs. Consumption of too much diet cola drinks instead of water – my poor, poor kidneys.

My twenties – God bless my kidneys and liver because lord knows they did more than their fair share of work during my twenties. Too much partying, not enough sleep, working too hard and not eating the right foods, drinking enough water or thinking long term about my health, because I was invincible. Although I did give up cigarettes when I was twenty-two ; one of the best things I have ever done. Suddenly, at the age of twenty nine, I realised my body had to last me a life time. A LIFE TIME. Time to wise up. Time to change.

My thirties – despite years of abuse and neglect, and only a few of kindness, you managed to create, grow, deliver and nurture four big, healthy babies in seven years. Four fat little bubbas, each with a huge head (Karma?) and a strong appetite. During this time I was pregnant for a total of three years, I breast fed for a total of four years and lost approximately two years of sleep with their around the clock feeding. But still, not only was my body strong enough to survive extreme sleep deprivation, exhaustion, pregnancy and births, it was strong enough for me to continue all of my other activities, like working, relaxing, being a wife, friend and co-worker as well as a strong return to fitness.

My forties – they’ve only just begun. But it’s now that I realise what an incredible gift I have in my beautiful healthy body. It has stretchmarks from pregnancy, but I like to think of those as tiger stripes. It has separated abdominal muscles from four large bubbas, meaning that tight tops or bikinis are out, but I prefer to think of it as a ‘renovation’ to the home my babies grew in. My thighs have cellulite, but I prefer to think of it as hail damage from weathering all the storms of my past. My hair is greying (prematurely) and my skin is developing lines, but that’s ok because a lot of worry and hard times have gone into those greys, and millions of smiles and laughs have creased my once smooth skin. I don’t look like a supermodel, but then again, I never did, so why beat myself up about it now?

I do Yoga to heal my body from my teens and twenties, from my breeding thirties and to calm the constant chatter in my mind from being a super busy mum, wife, friend and employee. My body needs to last me for, maybe, another forty years, so if it’s falling apart now, what hope does that give me for the state it will be in when I’m fifty, sixty or seventy? No, I love my body. I listen to my body. I am going to do everything in order to ensure my body is in the best possible health for the rest of my life, because, hopefully, that’s going to be a long time. It’s the least I can do for it – considering how much it’s done for me.
Lots of love and gratitude,
Sarah xxx

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LOVE YOUR BODY.

A mother’s training ground…

 

It’s amazing the amount of sympathy I get when I tell people that I am the mother of four boys.

“Oh really? You poor thing…” they say, clutching their chest as though they are about to have a coronary.

But being in the minority isn’t new to me.  I grew up with three big brothers.  No sisters.  I was an ‘after thought’ and my introduction to the family coincided with my mother using me as a live mannequin to educate my eight and ten year old brothers about the differences between boys and girls.  Sex Ed 101.  It still sends shivers down my spine to this day.

You can imagine, with three brothers, my life was pretty rough and tumble.  I could kick a footy and throw over arm before I could write my own name, lived in jeans and shorts and was eleven before I noticed my eyes were green.  The scars on my body resemble a road map to a childhood not spent in front of a television.

I learnt to ‘suck it up’ and ‘not be a princess’ early,  as my brothers farted on my head, tickled me until I wet my pants and forced me to hit myself in the face with my own hand.  I was paid twenty cents to walk two kilometres on dirt roads to get their goodies at the shop.  I was even paid the whopping sum of one  dollar to clean week old vomit off my brother’s shoes after his 21st birthday party.

In my first year at school I came home with a black eye, the result of some little horror’s temper. Thinking it was dirt my mother scrubbed and scrubbed with a flannel until it dawned on her that the dirt was swelling.

Incensed, my oldest brother, a tall fifteen year old, taught me to fight like a boy.  By the end of our lessons I had mastered being able to wind someone, so when he told  me to hit him, I did.  He fell forward like a broken sapling, gasping for the air that had been forced out of his lungs by my tiny, but well trained, fist.  He returned the favour as soon as he was able to stand upright and then it was my turn to gasp for air.  I was five.  Suck it up princess.

So as you can see, my childhood was the perfect training ground for life as a mother of four boys.  In fact, it’s been invaluable. Nothing gets my eldest boy out of bed in the morning like a threat to fart on his head.  It beats water sprays, promises of an early night or taking him to school in his pyjamas.

I can even share my pearls of wisdom with them, such as: don’t be the last brother to use the toilet at night.  Either hold on to it until morning or go first, because the stench will probably kill you.  At the dinner table it’s eat or be eaten – lick all your food in full sight of others so that wandering hands won’t be tempted to remove it from your plate.  And my favourite, take any opportunity you get to take the piss out of your brothers. When they do the same to you, cop it sweet.  This is the part in your life where you learn not to take yourself so seriously, because I promise you, your brothers will fight each other to be the one to prick your balloon should your feet ever leave the ground. God bless family.

Tantrums for toddlers 101…

Dear fellow Toddlers,

Thank you for enrolling in Tantrums 101. As a four year old, I have two years of successful tantruming experience behind me and it is my honour and duty to pass these tips onto you, the next generation of toddlers. You have a fine tradition to uphold and I will make no bones about it, tantruming is an art, a science and a responsibility.

Countless generations of toddlers before you have applied these techniques with varying degrees of success. You will not win every battle, but by god, you will give it your best shot. You will not quit until you are red, breathless and covered in your own snot.

Frustration leads to weariness, weariness leads to tiredness, tiredness leads to exhaustion and exhaustion leads to a collapse of the parent’s moral high ground. This is our aim, toddlers. Parents must be broken, worn down, defeated if we are to win the right to endless lollipops, bubbly drinks and cheap Taiwanese toys.

There will be those who consider themselves above being broken. They will resist with all their might. They do this out of a misguided sense of parental authority. Do not let them deceive you! These parents must be worn down, otherwise they will set a dangerous precedent of ‘controlling the situation’. Remember, be strong, be resilient, be committed and above all, be spectacularly awful.  Go forth and make spectacles of yourselves.

The stages of a tantrum:

1.   The Wind up –  consisting of repetitive negative dialogue – NO! NOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO!  It’s at this point that you make a one syllable word stretch on for three minutes of speech. Don’t give in, even if you’re having second thoughts. Commitment is the key to success. At this stage the parent should have a surprised look on their face bordering on confusion. This is what we call ‘dumbfounded’.

2.   The get-the-hell-away-from-me dance – this is when the child performs a series of physical jigs in order to resist the parent’s attempts to hold his/her hand, restrain him/her in a pram or shove him/her into the trolley and  make a run for it before the parent is recognised by nosey neighbours. At this stage the parent will be flustered but focused on getting you in that pram. DO NOT let this happen. This is the deal breaker. Tantrums do not work in the privacy of the car or home. They only work in public spaces, the bigger the better.  Do not allow yourself to be taken to a second location.

3. The Point of No Return – it’s all over for the parent at this stage. There’s nothing the parent can do other than to attempt to deflect the death stares of passers-by. The toddler will be engaged in a series of high pitched screams capable of dividing the human brain straight down the centre. His or her complexion will be on the scarlet side of healthy and a tear-like substance will be streaming down his or her’s face in an attempt to convince the parent, and passers-by, that this episode is causing real emotional trauma. At this point the parent may be open to negotiation. It’s here that the toddler must consider his or her options – take the deal on offer or negotiate for more.

If you choose to take the offer then the tantrum is over and a victory has occurred.

If you choose to hold out for a better deal, or to teach your parent a lesson they won’t forget, then continue to step 4.

4.   The ‘Get- me-the- fuck- out- of- here’ stage – this is usually the last stage in the process of getting what you want. The parent’s nerves are, generally, more frayed than the eyes of a  macramé owl. Their blood pressure is high enough to power Las Vegas and their manual dexterity has given way to a series of uncontrolled muscle spasms and tics. This is the time for you to draw on the last of your energy reserves and give it all you’ve got, including horizontal full bodily thrashing. Scream until you gurgle, gurgle until you vomit, vomit until you pass out. By now your mucus membranes should be in shut down mode from an over production of snot and dribble that is now covering your clean t-shirt , the hands of your parent and any siblings or well meaning, but deluded, passers-by that may be present.

Once the parent has conceded defeat, you may return to your normal demeanour. But don’t forget to sniff, whimper and inhale oxygen  in staggered increments as your chin wobbles. Of course, this exercise is utterly exhausting on everyone, particularly you. So, as you hold onto your cheap Taiwanese toy or lollipop, be sure to get some well deserved shut eye on the way home. You may need your energy again as soon as your parent chooses to, foolishly, flex some parental muscle in another battle of wills.