Penazzling: the art of making your doo-daa pretty…

About a year ago I did a blog on Vajazzing- the art of making your hoo-haa pretty. Who would have thought that it would be consistently the most viewed post on my entire blog?

The Vajazzling post has received six times the views of its closest competitor, I Need it Hot and Sweaty Every week, without fail, it is the top performer.

Seeing as writing about genitals gets me far more views than anything else I’ve written, it’s time to explore the genital factor a little more.

So, to continue in the series of making or genitals more attractive, I thought it was about time to do a blog on the boy version – Penazzling.

penazzling man tors

Warning – This post contains censored photos of Penazzling –  a decorated penis.  If you are under the age of 18 or are offended by penises, please don’t continue reading…

Just like a lady getting a Brazillian waxing to kick off the beautification process – something that requires a higher tolerance to pain than child birth (and at least the doctors give you loads of drugs for birthing), the men too must undergo a complete waxing.

But it’s not called a Brazillian for men.  It’s called a BOYZILLIAN.

Here is the G-rated version of what’s involved in a Boyzillian.

penazzling - boyz

Just in case you didn’t quite get it from the above pictures, Boyzillians.com has described the process as a waxing of the Bikini line (although it should state ‘Mankini’), shaft, perineum, scrotum, groin, crack and buttocks.

Are you farking kidding me? My husband just about vomits and passes out when one our boys hits him in the nuts, so what kind of emergency medical aid has to be administered to the men who undertake the Boyzillian?

Are they just handed their broken and swollen testicles back when they leave the salon? Perhaps contained in a human organ esky so they can go to the local hospital and have them reattached?

The advantages of ripping your pubic hairs out by the root include:

  • A neater, cleaner undercarriage,
  • Making your penis look larger by clearing away the undergrowth (yeah, let’s go with that),
  • Is more attractive to women (yeah, if you say so)…

If that isn’t enough for you, your bald as a badger balls and penis can now be decorated.

You could go for the Disco look of 1978…

penazzling richard simmons

Thanks to Richard Simmons for acting as a censor. The sacrifice of throwing yourself in the way of a bejewelled penis for the sake of decorum is duly noted and appreciated.

 

Thanks Bare Beauty for this pic

 penazzling footprints

 

I’d have to wonder what kind of creature is living in this man’s groin if it leaves luminous green footprints in its wake…

The Italian Stallion…

 penazzling david

 

 

 

The one hung low, two hung high look…

 penazzling discoball

 

Of course, if Penazzling isn’t enough for you,  if you’re a little jaded with the skin tone of your dude, or discolouration / pigmentation  has got you down, then perhaps penis and scrotum bleaching  is for you.

Just as some women bleach the skin of their girly bits to keep them pink and fresh, men can also keep their bits…pink and fresh… Not only can you bleach them, but you can also dye them a particular hue.

If applying corrosive chemicals to your genitals doesn’t phase you- because remember, that’s what bleach is- then you may also want to dye your pubes. A nice iridescent pink or green- nature’s own colours- may be just what you’re after.

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We could go on to discuss piercings, but….I really don’t want to.

So, thanks boys for caring enough about the ascetics of your nethers to put yourself though all kinds of penal torture.

Vajazzling, the art of making your hoo-haa pretty…

Vajazzling; it’s one of those words that I could say again and again, like an annoying toddler, because it’s a cool word. But what does it mean? Do you know what Vajazzling is?

I attended a party recently where the topic came up – ok, I brought the topic up because we were talking about getting our bikini lines waxed and it seemed like a logical progression in the conversation. That’s why I love my friends – we talk about this kind of stuff all the time without embarrassment.

Anyhoo, here is the definition of Vajazzling, according to Wiktionary:

A cosmetic treatment in which jewels are placed on a woman’s vulva and/or pubic area. The area must first be waxed – a Brazilian.

This definition pleased me, mostly because it allowed me to finally figure out which part was the Vulva.  In another post,  (The Only Vulva in the House),  I wrote about how my seven year old son came home from school and informed me that, because of the sexual education they had received that day, he knew that  I had a Vulva.

This wasn’t exactly news to me – I also knew that I had a Vulva. I just had no idea of where it was. According to this definition, and pictures I found, the Vulva is actually what I had always thought was the Vagina – your Vagina is actually the inside bit, the Vulva is the outside bit – the front bum. Fascinating.  So glad my seven year old son was instrumental in helping me figure this out.

And here’s a picture to demonstrate-

vaj 1

And no, unfortunately the abs and butt don’t come with the Vajazzling. You must bring your own.

Of course, there are many designs – from the extreme to the more delicate…

vaj

But Vajazzing isn’t merely decorating your hoo-haa with pretty crystals. No! You can decorate your hoo-haa with so much more. Adornments include:

Feathers…

There are various design templates for Vajazzling with feathers as well.

Why not try the Carnivale?

carnivale-bikini-wax  Carnivale-

Adorning your hoo-haa with feathers is probably not recommended for those planning a holiday in which a Bikini will be worn – unless you’re open to sharing your prettiness with onlookers.

Fur…

 (this one has me confused. Isn’t the reason we pour hot wax onto our girly bits and then rip our pubic hairs out by the roots so that we don’t have any furry bits?).

fur vaj

Mind you, I am pretty sure that this is not an accurate depiction of the fur kind of Vajazzle. I could be wrong, but it’s just a hunch.

And for the men? Why should they be left out? They have what’s called….Penazzling. Yep, another great name. Unfortunately (well, maybe not) I couldn’t find any pictures of Penazzling that wouldn’t require me to change the rating on the entire blog – but you can use your imagination. The same rules apply – a good Brazilian prior to the bejewelling.

For those who don’t want to Vajazzle, they can apply a temporary tattoo – called a (you guessed it)…a Twatoo or a Vatoo.

va-ttooing_m-200x200

Of course, you can always either trim your way to romance, using various stencils that will allow you to ‘trim the bush’ into a particular shape…

grooming

Or you can dye your pubic hair (and perhaps trim as well) if you so wish…who wouldn’t like hot pink or orange pubes?

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But before you get all turned off by the above, spare a thought as to how women used to ‘manicure’ themselves in the past…

In the 16th Century, women would grow their pubic hair long and decorate it with bows. Nice.

In ancient Rome, women would get rid of the hair using a pumice stone, various chemicals and even fire! (Suddenly waxing doesn’t seem so bad!).